Dear Readers,
Pain—both physical and emotional—may be one of the hardest teachers we encounter in life. This issue of The Circadian Collective brings a deeply poignant question from a reader struggling with the daily reality of chronic pain. Together, we’ll explore how even in the presence of suffering, there may be pathways to meaning, even transformation. Join us as we reflect on the journey from suffering to understanding, and perhaps someday, to gratitude.
In everything we trust,
Sylvia
Questions
Q
I have an incurable chronic disease that creates tremendous amounts of pain in my physical body. How do I find gratitude given I am suffering every day?
A
Dear Friend, living with this pain most certainly must not feel like a fair deck of cards to be dealt in your lifetime. Not fair. I remember, years ago when I lived in Atlanta, I regularly attended the services of a spicy, awake baptist minister. In one sermon, he said, “Don’t pray for what is fair, pray for what is merciful.” I thought about that statement for a long time; I didn’t understand it. Wouldn’t the divine want a world that is fair? What is wrong with fair?
But my understanding now is that the design of this mystery has nothing to do with fairness. It has to do with love. It is a never ending, always evolving equation solving itself continually from shadow to light, asleep to awake, fear to love. Fairness has nothing to do with it. This is perhaps why it is so important, when faced with an intractable crisis, to not ask the questions that start with “why”, such as “Why me?” And instead to ask the questions that start with “what” and “how”. This helps turn our words into prayers. This opens the door to the energy of mercy.
Mercy. Right now, perhaps you feel none at all. You are on an intricate course of study right now, a course of study that will memorize all of the facets of the pain; each crevice and flash and ache. In each moment of pain, you might today, only respond to it with the question “Why me?” You may feel completely a victim of this pain. So, so understandable. It is however, not the final chapter in your course of study. There are chapters ahead; chapters when you begin to respond to a flash of pain with a different questions, such as “What are you here to teach me?” Or “How can I open to this pain more fully?” A thing as simple as asking a new question to the pain itself can begin to start the process of alchemy in which the pain begins to change you on a soul level in exactly the way it was prescribed. Pain can be alchemized with awakening.
Some years ago, I had the honor of working with a woman who was in excruciating pain. We sat across from each other, simply looking each other in the eye. I saw terror in her eyes, despair, and of course, the pain. I looked into her eyes until I could see myself in her and she could see herself in me. We could glimpse each others’ souls. That moment was a moment of alchemy. To see beyond the limited self if even for a second. Suddenly, she did not feel so alone. She felt within her the presence of the divine and in that moment, the pain shifted gears. She was no longer the pain, she was the soul observing the pain. That tiny shift in awareness created a tremendous shift in her pain.
I do not believe it is quite yet time for gratitude, which is why it is so difficult for you to experience. Start exactly where you are, and alchemize your way to gratitude with a deep study of the spiritual essence of this pain. When you work your way all the way through you will graduate a wizard, a magic medicine maker of your own body and soul.
I have opened your question to the larger Circadian Collective of women to send their visions to you as well:
Give your pain a seat at the table, fully recognized. No need to minimize, avoid, or deny the suffering. Take time each day to feel the pain, feel rage, grief. Scream into your pillow. Once the pain has had its voice, let other parts of you have a voice too.
Feel pain and feel the arms of your partner hugging you
Feel pain and see the sunset
Feel pain and feel the sunlight warm your skin
Feel pain and smell the sea breeze coming off ocean
Connect with the electric magnetic force of nature.
Connect with the many vibrations in natural environments that bring you into awareness.
Ann Patchett said, “It’s not that I’m unaware of the suffering and the soon-to-be-more suffering in the world, it’s that I know the suffering exists beside wet grass and a bright blue sky recently scrubbed by rain. The beauty and the suffering are equally true”.
We from the collective, together, wish you a full healing of every single cell in your body and soul, and may gratitude wash over you like a soft summer rain.
